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An Abusive Relationship

19/7/2018

 
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credit: Michael Vadon/Wikimedia Commons
I don’t write political opinions.  I try to stick to subjects on which I’m well informed.  I watch news and opinion shows from people who have done their homework.  And I live in a political bubble in the Northeast, where I find agreement with my horror at the behavior of the current occupant of the White House from strangers on the line for movie tickets.  We all marvel at the blindness of his “base” and the spinelessness of the Republican members of congress.  What can I say that will shed some new light on this phenomenon?

As a scientist, I like to simplify a situation.  Instead of trying to figure out why Trump’s base is so steadfast and loyal to someone who is clearly mendacious, manipulative and just plain mean, let’s look at the one-on-one relationship between an abusive spouse and his target. 

The behavior of the abuser is well documented.  Check out the 21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship.  How many of these behaviors does the president exhibit towards the press, his wives, our allies?  What do all the abused have in common so that they enable this behavior to continue?

Abusers and bullies are often quite charming when they want to be.  That’s why unsuspecting potential victims fall in love.  They are seduced by courtship behavior, which validates them and gives voice to their own frustrations and inadequacies.  It makes them feel special.  Trump throws them red meat and keeps up the courtship in his campaign-style rallies.  This emotional connection stands up to all sorts of transgressions.  A dairy farmer in Nevada, who sells milk to a local cheese manufacturer who sells to European clients, sees bankruptcy on the horizon as her buyer’s market is shutting down because of tariffs.  The empty promise of a wall goes unfulfilled.  Children are torn from their parents.  Yet they stick with him.  It’s hard to admit that you’ve been blind-sided (gas-lit) by love.

Abusive relationships have a way of wearing down the abused so they can’t or won’t see a way out.  As the abuse gets incrementally worse and more obvious day by day, the abused double down on the excuses that keep them in the relationship.  I was once in such a relationship.   I had been a competent, kind and generous person who was reduced to hand-trembling when putting a plastic liner into a garbage can because my abuser had told me I didn’t know how to do it correctly.  That was the point at which I suddenly had a moment of clarity: this situation was ludicrous.   I looked at all my accomplishments and thought, “Who cares how I put the liner in a garbage can!” Full stop.  I knew I had to get out of my situation and I knew I needed help to do so.  Extricating myself to start a new life was the hardest thing I ever did.  It was also the making of me. 

There are many good people who voted for Trump who don’t see their Fuhrer clearly.  He has seduced them into believing that he “alone” can save them and they are blind to the hole he is  digging to bury them.  The beauty of a democracy is that we the people have our own salvation in hand.  It’s called the vote.  It’s called civil discourse.  It’s called the greater good.
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Trump followers ignore their wake-up-America-call at our peril. It can’t come soon enough.  But Trump has unlimited inventiveness to show us his hollowness.  You can see it in Melania’s eyes.  And she’s still there.  
Jan Adkins link
19/7/2018 08:11:09 pm

Vicki is the best and kindest of friends, and approaches strangers with generosity and understanding. I don't hear her say bad things about anyone.

In this wise, fair observation, she's not despising POTUS Trump or the people who elected him. As a science writer and as a student of human interaction, and as a children's advocate, Vicki is pointing out a dangerous, common, human situation: the sad, demeaning dance between the abuser and the abused.

Vicki is kinder than I. Trump seems to my plain logic to be a rich man who has insulated himself from discomfort, disappointment, and most of all from the word "no." He's arranged his life to aggrandize himself blatantly cheating, deceiving, and denigrating the people around him. His bully ways are protected by enormous inherited wealth. He is not an astute businessperson and ignores the tatters of a dozen bankrupt businesses behind him, along with their felonies, lies, and unpaid bills.

We at Nonfiction Minute are in the literacy business. It's interesting that Trump seems to be functionally illiterate. This is a stunning drawback as he occupies a position requiring enormous intellectual breadth. He is reluctant to receive expert input, and his sense of our own American history is (charitably) in the early primary grades. Close associates rate his attention span as a toddler's ability to focus. No one with fewer skills or abilities or resources has ever maintained this crucial, life-and-death office.

As Vicki points out, his victims double down, unable to admit that this tin-pot would-be mobster has highjacked our most powerful office. He ignores basic ethics and actual law, continuing to profit from his companies' involvement. His victims cannot embrace their mistake or their own gullibility.

This man in exalted office with world-wide power displays kindergarten manners and infantile pouting postures. He has no sense of power. Any comment can injure his pride, any confrontation can tip him into a rant.

The truth behind Vicki's gentle remonstrance is not that President Donald Trump is evil, but that he is seriously, tragically unbalanced, wholly inept, and not prepared for tasks that affect the commonweal. We don't need a firing squad; we need an intervention and a damn good therapist. Take this poor bent boy away to some safe, happy place and help him. Take him away from dangerous toys and don't allow him to bully and bruise honest people around him.

Susan Fawcett
20/7/2018 12:06:07 pm

The worst trait of abusers is that something inside them desperately wants to tear down their victims. They choose strong, healthy, balanced people to form relationships with for only one reason: so that they can destroy them. They themselves are so devoid of love for themselves, and so hollow hearted, that they can't stand to see other souls who have a solid core. My 'wake up moment' came at the grocery store, when my choice of cheese was questioned. It opened up a perception in me to the true nature of my relationship - one that had me sliding further and further into someone afraid to take any actions in case they would be berated and belittled by this person who was supposed to be my partner for life. Seems like such a little thing, choosing cheese. Multiply it by 1000's of similar instances, and you have an emotionally abused person. Multiply that one person by the millions who were lured into their abusive relationship with 'T-Retch' and you have a very destructive force. May our electorate wake up to this abuse, and choose a more powerful path in the future. (Interesting aside, as I wrote this I realized that many of the 'Trump voters' were strong, self-supporting, independent and 'macho' men. I wonder if my thoughts on how abusers chose their victims holds true here? By 'winning a strong man's vote' did it make Trump feel invincible? It sure does appear to be so.

Vicki Cobb
20/7/2018 05:11:20 pm

Thank you for your insights, Susan. It is so subtle as to how it creeps up on one. Death by a thousand cuts.

Peggy Thomas
21/7/2018 10:37:43 am

Vicki, Thanks for this post. I never thought of it as an abusive relationship. Makes perfect sense. So, now I guess we just have to figure out how we can open the eyes of the abused before it is too late.

Vicki Cobb
21/7/2018 12:01:55 pm

Makes you wonder how many of Trump's followers are in abusive relationships and don't know it. Maybe why he appeals to the, he feels so familiar.


Comments are closed.

     Vicki Cobb

    *Award-winning author of more than 90 nonfiction books for children, mostly in science.
    *Former Contributor to the Huffington Post
    *Founder/President of iNK Think Tank, Inc.
    *Passionate advocate for the joy of learning for every child and teacher.


    Disclaimer: All opinions, typos, and grammatical errors are my own,  especially small word omissions which I often don't notice in my fervor.  

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